Friday, January 11, 2013

Cycle Day 22 - Swinging Like a Pendulum

I had some cramping and spotting right in the window I usually do for implantation. If this was a cycle without drugs, and I was feeling the way I am today (tired, sore boobs, peeing every 15 minutes, etc) I would assume I was pregnant. But because some of this started from day one of the progesterone, I'm not fully convinced. Let's say I'm 80/20 for.

I am also currently swinging wildly between hope and despair.

Hope: This cycle is going to be the one! It's the progesterone! I know it! We'll get a take home baby for sure!

Despair: I always implant too early. I didn't start the progesterone early enough to counteract that entirely. I'm not crampy enough/sore boobed enough/whatever enough - this will fail like all the others.

This occurs approximately every 15 minutes. Usually when I get up to pee.

I find myself wanting desperately to get off the crazy train and adopt. Specifically I want to adopt a special needs child from a country where they are institutionalized, and bring them home where I can love on them forever. Unfortunately, my husband will not agree with me. He won't even let me adopt another cat, the bastard, let alone a child. Asshole.

Tomorrow is our anniversary and miracle of miracles we have a sitter. We get out together sans child about once a years, so this is a momentous occasion. And just to fuck with my head is the question of whether or not I actually am pregnant:

To drink or not to drink - that is the question. I kind of feel justified in a drink just now, but have a feeling that depending on which way the pendulum swings, despair might drive me to make that a drink or six and that's just not good for anyone.

Can you tell which way the pendulum just went while I typed this? I may not survive my own head to find out the answers to these very pressing questions: Am I pregnant? And if so, will I lose it like the others?

1 comment:

  1. I hope you get some peace from the pendulum of peace and hope. And I truly hope this is your take home, rainbow baby.

    Sending love and light (and peace).

    Abiding with you.