Wednesday, November 13, 2013

So then that happened...

I honestly can't believe I'm updating this page right now. It feels a little surreal, as I wasn't sure if/when I would ever update again given where we were when I last updated.

Rather than beginning at the end and ending at the beginning, I'm going to tell this the old fashioned way.

We had made the decision to stop trying to have kids biologically. I was over and done with the roller coaster and we were ready to move on and pursue other methods.

We researched all types of adoption, but discovered that many were out of our reach, either due to my husband's age, or due to finances. We did start the process to go forward with Fost/Adopt, however.

We got as far as filling out the initial paperwork and getting our references in order when we heard some awful stories from a few people we know that had tried to go this route. Long stories short, they had kids placed with them, in one case had the kid for YEARS, then reunification happened. To one family this happened 4 times, each time DCEF told them that reunification wasn't going to happen and each time a judge overruled.

While we are adults and could handle this, my 4 year old son really, really wants a baby sibling (actually he wants a sister, but that's a story for another day). I couldn't stand the thought of him beginning to bond with a baby, then having to lose that. So we decided to shelve the idea until he's older and better able to handle what could happen.

So we were in this place of limbo, not really sure we were going to do anything, and I was making peace with the idea that we would only have one child, when I realized that my period was late.

At first I just assumed it was late. Then I assumed it was really late. Then I started having some odd cramps coupled with intense nausea. This was followed by my boobs growing an entire cup size seemingly overnight.

Eventually a light went on and I peed on a stick.

Imagine my surprise when it turned pink. Now, it was very, very, very light pink, which lead me to believe this was just going to be another chemical pregnancy/very early loss, so I went about my business, a little angry at people that have lots of kids seemingly without trouble (I may have cursed the Duggars a time or two).

Except that I never started bleeding, and the symptoms continued. And worsened. And I passed the time when I normally had chemical pregnancies/early losses.

Things are still very early, and I've been avoiding calling the OB just yet because my insurance sucks and I don't want to get stuck with a huge bill if I'm just going to lose this anyway, but...I'm feeling a little hopeful.

Compounding all of this is my son's intense desire for a baby sister. We haven't told him, but he's a 4 year old genius and has evidently figured things out on his own. Yesterday as I stood at the kitchen counter trying desperately not to hurl into the sink he came up to me, patted me on the stomach and said, "I think it's going to be a baby girl." Um, what? He has NO experience with pregnant women, does not know how babies are born, and, um, what?

So, maybe a little tiny part of me thinks that maybe he knows something I don't, and maybe, just maybe this will all be OK. Maybe.