CD 13 - Reflections

While I wait to ovulate (sigh. Shouldn't the Femara be kicking in by now?) I've been giving a lot of thought to how my thoughts and attitude have changed over this journey.

Two years ago when we were still in the "talking about it" phase, I thought I knew how I wanted things to happen. I wanted a medicated birth, just like my son's. While we plan to homeschool, I thought I'd send my oldest off to preschool while I had the baby at home. I thought I'd be a different kind of mother. I didn't want to do any medicated cycles, and I wasn't sure how I'd feel about having a baby that was "different".

These are all things that have changed as a result of this journey.

I'm now so anti-medical intervention that I'm considering a home birth for when and if the day finally arrives. I have a few regrets about my son's birth, such as the shot they gave me when I got to the hospital that slowed labor down so much I had to get pitocin. He was so sleepy and unresponsive for the first day after his birth that it really freaked me out and ruined our breastfeeding relationship (long story I may post someday). After all the reading I've been doing on pregnancy and birth, I want this next kid to have the best possible start - so non-medicated it is.

I'm now a lot closer to my son than I was 2 years ago. We've started preschool homeschool, and I have no intention of sending him anywhere. I want him here with me. Life is so fragile and so short... I don't want him going anywhere fast.

I fell into a funk for a long time that left me being less than the mother I really want to be. It's taken a lot to pull myself back out of that and focus on the fact that while I wait for my rainbow baby, I have an awesome and wonderful son right here, right now. I owe it to him to be the best mother possible and to bring some of those dreams I have for the future into focus right now.

Obviously I've changed my mind on the medicated cycles and the "different" kind of baby.

I like to think that this journey is going to change me for the better. That I'll be a better mother, a more careful person who embraces everything that I currently have and lives in the moment. I hope to hell it I don't fall back into another funk that leaves me wishing for a future where everything is perfect, while I let my present slip right by.