Talking

The last week or so has been spent in non-stop research and talk between my husband and I. Trying to figure out which direction we'll be going in next, and make our plan.

My husband has been dealing with some really rough things at work just now (he's a small business owner) so he's listening and asking questions, but we can't make any serious decisions until after he's sorted a few things out.

What we have decided is this: No IVF. This last chemical pregnancy was enough to drive my pain syndrome into overdrive. I really, really, reallyreallyreally do not want to be pregnant again. I'm scared of another loss, and I'm scared of the pain.

That leaves us with adoption or surrogacy.

To address question left in comments a couple of posts back, the reason we won't be doing fost to adopt is because there is a very high risk of getting placed with a baby, only to have that baby get returned to relatives. This happened to some good friends of ours - they had that little girl for FOUR YEARS before she was taken from them. I think I would die; particularly after all the other losses we've gone through, I can't handle the thought of getting a baby in my arms, and potentially losing him.

We're currently looking more into surrogacy. I had thought it was prohibitively expensive, but it turns out it might not be. My husband likes this option more, but can't quite get his head around it yet. I like the idea of adoption more, but am willing to consider surrogacy if that's the direction my husband feels more comfortable with.

We've agreed to keep researching/talking for the next month, then we'll gather all our info and sit down to discuss.

The hard part is that while I know what's going on in my own head, and I share what's going on in my own head regularly, my husband has been pretty quiet. I attribute a lot of this to his work problems; he doesn't have the mental space to deal with anything else. But it's still frustrating, because I want this to a journey we take until we arrive at the right decision, and it feels like I'm walking in place, and we'll make a giant leap at the end.

Still, it feels good to know we have the beginnings of a plan and we'll be able to get started on the next leg of our journey in the next month or so. 

Superstition

I am not a superstitious person for the most part. I tend to believe in The Universe, and that certain things happen for a reason, while other things are totally in our control.

That said, I've had a little bit of superstition regarding this whole pregnancy loss journey I've been on. Early on, after I realized that this was more than just a couple of random losses, I bought a charm. It was an orange "Skittle". A resin skittle a little larger than the real thing that I wore on a chain around my neck.

I never took it off. I wore it to bed, the gym, in the shower. My son loved to play with it, running it back and forth along its chain.

The chain broke and I lost the charm last night.

Now, I'm sure it's not totally lost; we have a 10 month old kitten who I'm sure batted it off someplace while I was sleeping (she was a little extra active this morning while I was trying to get some more sleep). But the fact that it came off...

The fact that it came off, just when we're starting to explore adoption, etc, kind of felt like a kick from the universe.

I've been feeling for a long time now, that maybe I'm just not supposed to get pregnant. That my path to a child really must lay in some other way - that my next child will be "different" (adopted, maybe?).

So maybe it broke for a reason?

Or maybe this is just a long string of crappy coincidences and the chain broke because my kid played with it too much. 

Moving On

Chemical pregnancy on the last try.

I totally knew something was up with this last cycle. I went from super strong symptoms, to less strong symptoms, to no symptoms. I also went from a super faint positive line to a negative, so I was not too shocked.

That said, we are done trying this way. Or rather, I am done trying this way.

It seems my loving husband, as he put it, put all his eggs in the basket that just trying naturally would eventually work. So he's been giving me a lot of lip service since last summer when I asked him if we could explore other options. Apparently, he didn't think it would be necessary, and never gave it the brain space.

So.

We are not giving up entirely. By this summer we will be moving on to something else - more reproductive medicine, adoption, surrogacy, SOMETHING.

My personal desire is to move to adoption. I don't think I ever want to pee on another stick, take hormonal medicine or endure another test. Not to mention the fact that there is no guarantee that IVF or even surrogacy would work, because we have no idea what's wrong.

IVF is by far the cheapest option ($2,400 if we can get insurance on board, $6,000 if we cannot) but I really DO NOT WANT to do it. I've agreed that I will talk to the RE, however, if my husband decides he feels strongly about it. I'm just convinced it will be a very expensive loss.

If we do move on to adoption, it will be of the international variety. Yes, I know that is much more expensive, but we have a tiny issue in my husband's age. While I am 35, he turns 50 next week. We will therefore be technically ineligible for many kinds of adoption by the end of next week. Going international means that I can adopt as a single person, and he can adopt the child at a later date. Tricky, but we know of two other couples in the same boat that have done it.

Yes, I also realize that we are still eligible to adopt an older child, but I feel strongly that the best fit for our family will be a child younger than our son. Many agencies we've looked at feel the same way, actually, so we would be looking for a child younger than 3 (or 4 depending on when we get started) and by my husband's age, we are ineligible for a child that young.

We're now in what I'm calling the interim period. While my husband thinks about what he feels strongly about doing next, and we have many, many discussions, I'm using this period to work on some other stuff.

I'm trying to work on our relationship - 8 losses in two years takes a big toll.

I'm trying to be a better parent to the child I already have, rather than focusing solely on the future.

I'm working on my freelance career and some art projects that I've put off because trying was taking all my time and energy.

The goal is to have reached a decision about what we are doing next by April or May, so that we can make appointments, look at finances etc, by June. I figure we're in for the long haul no matter which way we choose, so I want to get going.

Strangely, I am so freaking happy to be done with the trying portion of the game that I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know my child is out there - maybe not even born yet, but out there - and we will get there eventually, but it won't be this way. And somehow, after everything we've gone through, this is very comforting.