Sunday, February 24, 2013

Superstition

I am not a superstitious person for the most part. I tend to believe in The Universe, and that certain things happen for a reason, while other things are totally in our control.

That said, I've had a little bit of superstition regarding this whole pregnancy loss journey I've been on. Early on, after I realized that this was more than just a couple of random losses, I bought a charm. It was an orange "Skittle". A resin skittle a little larger than the real thing that I wore on a chain around my neck.

I never took it off. I wore it to bed, the gym, in the shower. My son loved to play with it, running it back and forth along its chain.

The chain broke and I lost the charm last night.

Now, I'm sure it's not totally lost; we have a 10 month old kitten who I'm sure batted it off someplace while I was sleeping (she was a little extra active this morning while I was trying to get some more sleep). But the fact that it came off...

The fact that it came off, just when we're starting to explore adoption, etc, kind of felt like a kick from the universe.

I've been feeling for a long time now, that maybe I'm just not supposed to get pregnant. That my path to a child really must lay in some other way - that my next child will be "different" (adopted, maybe?).

So maybe it broke for a reason?

Or maybe this is just a long string of crappy coincidences and the chain broke because my kid played with it too much. 

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