Wednesday, February 27, 2013


The last week or so has been spent in non-stop research and talk between my husband and I. Trying to figure out which direction we'll be going in next, and make our plan.

My husband has been dealing with some really rough things at work just now (he's a small business owner) so he's listening and asking questions, but we can't make any serious decisions until after he's sorted a few things out.

What we have decided is this: No IVF. This last chemical pregnancy was enough to drive my pain syndrome into overdrive. I really, really, reallyreallyreally do not want to be pregnant again. I'm scared of another loss, and I'm scared of the pain.

That leaves us with adoption or surrogacy.

To address question left in comments a couple of posts back, the reason we won't be doing fost to adopt is because there is a very high risk of getting placed with a baby, only to have that baby get returned to relatives. This happened to some good friends of ours - they had that little girl for FOUR YEARS before she was taken from them. I think I would die; particularly after all the other losses we've gone through, I can't handle the thought of getting a baby in my arms, and potentially losing him.

We're currently looking more into surrogacy. I had thought it was prohibitively expensive, but it turns out it might not be. My husband likes this option more, but can't quite get his head around it yet. I like the idea of adoption more, but am willing to consider surrogacy if that's the direction my husband feels more comfortable with.

We've agreed to keep researching/talking for the next month, then we'll gather all our info and sit down to discuss.

The hard part is that while I know what's going on in my own head, and I share what's going on in my own head regularly, my husband has been pretty quiet. I attribute a lot of this to his work problems; he doesn't have the mental space to deal with anything else. But it's still frustrating, because I want this to a journey we take until we arrive at the right decision, and it feels like I'm walking in place, and we'll make a giant leap at the end.

Still, it feels good to know we have the beginnings of a plan and we'll be able to get started on the next leg of our journey in the next month or so. 


  1. You don't have to do foster to adopt. In most states you can do straight adoption through children's services. Children who are already legally available or adoption. The wait times just tend to be longer for little ones. :)

  2. I'm sorry you guys are on different pages about how and when to talk about all this. Have you considered doing the 20 minute thing where you set aside 20 minutes to talk about it each day and you don't talk about it any other times but during that 20 minutes, but during that 20 minutes you both have to be committed to talking about it? We did that for a while and it helped. Maybe it would help you guys too.

    There are no easy answers to these questions, especially when there are two people making them. I hope you find a path that feels right for both of you.