I have been having the strangest feeling lately that I'm having trouble shaking. The feeling that my future baby is going to be "different" in some way.
I can't really describe it better than that. By different I mean that there will be something "not normal" with the baby, such as Down Syndrome, a limb difference or something like that. It doesn't bother me, this feeling - I'm not afraid for future baby or freaked out that there might be something wrong. I just have this odd feeling.
I think it might have to do with all the losses. Like after eight losses, I can't quite get my head around the fact that I'll someday have a healthy "normal" baby. That I will get my baby, yes, but I'll be getting something "extra" along with. Again, this doesn't make me sad, but it's been occupying a lot of my brain space lately.
Added into this is the fact that there is a high chance of something "going wrong" or being different. I had a placental abruption at 33 weeks with my son; the chances of this happening again are high. Which makes the chances of the baby being premature high. All of these losses may also be caused by just a string of bad luck and odd trisomies, which makes the odds of a survivable trisomy higher, too.
I know one woman who battled infertility to have her second son. She had some extra prenatal testing done because they were worried that it would negatively affect the baby and she would therefore abort. Her second son was fine; there was no need for any intervention. And I wonder how common her reaction is to these feelings, versus my reaction to them.
Do many infertile women, or women who have multiple pregnancy losses start to feel that the next baby they conceive will be "different"? And of those that do feel this way, am I the only one that is totally and utterly at peace with this fact? (And by "at peace" I mean now that it is in the hypothetical future. I'm sure I'll be concerned and fact arming if I do encounter a difference.)
I wish I knew why I felt this way and if it's some sort of universal warning system, arming me against the future, or if it's just my crazy head making stuff up.
I'm not sure what you believe about God, so I don't know how helpful this will be; nevertheless, I'm compelled to share. My heart has long been heavy for yours. :)
ReplyDeleteMy personal experience with deep-seated desires is that God's timing (whether we acknowledge Him or not) is ALWAYS perfect. Additionally, the trick to anxiety-free waiting is acknowledging Him—goodness, sovereignty, and all.
In other words, it's entirely possible that you *are* being prepared for your next baby—more than possible, actually. It's likely.
Your situation, albeit very different in its pain content, is similar to the job situation we just came out of. All these job interviews, seeming so promising and then...nothing. Disappointment quickly turns into disillusionment, and similar to you, I'd find myself unbearably jealous of people who had jobs, a house of their own, etc. In the end, what got me through was trusting that God is good, God loves me, and God has a plan.
Now, ten months later, I can SEE why it had to take that long before we could have a job! There were a lot of things we were doing wrong that got corrected during that trial. There were blessings we received that could only be had in the midst of hardship.
I say all of this to encourage. There IS a plan and several years from now, you will likely see the wisdom in all you're going through now.
Not fun to hear NOW, just like it wasn't fun to hear "you'll have a job someday" because I wanted one NOW. Add to that sensation the pain of your losses and the lack of certainty that a baby is in your future, and I can see how difficult it is to really and truly be encouraged RIGHT NOW. But that doesn't stop me from trying. ;)
Hang in there. I'm not going to stop praying and I'm definitely not going to stop believing that God is working out a marvelous purpose that will one day shine like a star against the backdrop of this present darkness. If you have no strength to believe in this for yourself, then at least take comfort in mine. Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see; because of our friendship, you have access to this faith by proxy. ;)
Love to you, friend!
I went through infertility and recurrent loss before my son was born last year. The pregnancy was "different". When they told me that he had a heart defect and that his limbs were way too short at my 20 week anatomy scan I felt that it just figured. It was all too good to be true. After that I scans a couple of times per month, lots of speculation by a genetics team. Echocardiograms. Then he was born and had lots of small issues that they thought might be indicative of some sort of genetic syndrome. The heart defect, hypospadias, low platelet count etc. Genetics all came back normal. His heart healed up. He is still very small but they think its a familial trait. I can't help but wonder if all of my eggs are just slightly rotten. I know that isnt scientific but thats the way it feels. I think its normal to wonder about these things after many losses.
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