Early Morning

It's 5am. The toddler is screeching from across the hall. I stumble out of bed, attend to him and go back to sleep.

It's 6am. The toddler is screeching from across the hall. I stumble out of bed, attend to him and try to get back to sleep.

Husband: What is this all about?

Me: He wanted his blanket spread out better.

Husband: Are you serious?

Me: This is why I need to have a second child. If I don't have another kid to spread my attention to, he's going to be a 40 year old man who still lives with his Mama.

Husband: Are you sure you won't be fanning and peeling grapes for two kids?

Me: What? No; everyone knows the second kid totally gets the shaft. Besides, I'll have half as much time for this bullshit.

Husband: You don't have enough time for this bullshit now.

Me: Ah, but I do. Besides, he's my only. I have to do it.

Husband: Uh-huh.

Me: 40 year old man who lives with his Mama. Promise me we'll have another.

Husband: Do I have a choice?

Me: Promise!

Husband: If it is in my power to do so, yes we will have another.

Me: Fine. Thank you.

Toddler: MaaaaaaaMaaaaaaa....

Me: Here we go again.

Period from Hell

Back before I got pregnant with my son I used to have severe, super painful periods. Like, ended up in the ER a few times because of the pain, super bad. Even the months when I handled it at home were filled with vomiting and writhing in pain, with no pain killers working at all.

That's how this cycle is starting. Day 2 and I think I am going to die.

I'm not sure if it was the progesterone or what but I'm having incredibly painful cramps that nothing is touching. They're also radiating up my right side all the way to my ribcage, which is a little disconcerting. My doctor has long suspected I have some endo on that side (first no health insurance, then getting pregnant took away the pain so well I never bothered with surgery to find out for sure) and this was the worst it's ever been.

I got up this morning so dizzy from pain and blood loss I walked into a wall twice. I'm actually now really, really nervous about trying again this cycle with more progesterone. Could that have done this? Is this a one-time event, which will go away next month if I don't use the progesterone again? Or am I doomed from here on out until I get pregnant again or have surgery of some kind?

I'm also nervous about what two more tries with this stuff will do if we don't get pregnant on it.

There has got to be a better way than this.

Negative - Relief

I know I wasn't planning on testing until Tuesday, but last night after I inserted the progesterone gel, I got the most insane burning cramps. They lasted for an hour and were horrible. Then this morning after acupuncture, I noticed some spotting. Since my period would be due today or tomorrow I decided to test.

It was negative, and all I'm feeling right now is relief.

For a long time, every time we tried to get pregnant we did. In fact, on three different occasions, while we were taking pains to prevent pregnancy, I got pregnant. My RE told me I got pregnant too frequently and that they were probably all bad quality embryos, which was causing the miscarriages.

So in my head, I was thinking this cycle could go one of two ways: pregnant and live baby or pregnant and dead baby. I honestly wasn't thinking that we could try and NOT get pregnant. That, in fact, would be a GOOD thing because it would mean that whatever was causing the inflammation that was making all the crappy embryos stick is gone.

So to get signs that my period is starting coupled with a negative test is HUGE.

We talked about it and decided that if this had been another loss, we would have stopped - 9 is enough. Because this was nothing, however, we will try again this cycle. I have two more refills of prescriptions before I need a new referral and to see the RE again. If nothing happens during the next two cycles, or I have another loss, we will turn our attention to adoption or surrogacy.

A negative test = relief. Who knew?

Over It

For a long time a couple of years ago I had a burning pain in my lower abdomen and pelvic region. It was nearly constant and drove me completely batty. Over the last two years I've figured out that I tend to experience this pain when one of three things happens:

I eat gluten. I have celiac, and when I eat gluten I get the burning pain, although it is mostly confined to my digestive track.

When I eat dairy. My doctor and I both suspect (and suspect will be all we do unless it gets much worse again someday) that I have some endo on at least my right side. Before I stopped eating dairy I had the burning pain all the time and crippling pain during my period that turned to the burning pain if I indulged in some cheese. Cutting out dairy from my diet entirely eliminated 95 percent of the pain.

Miscarry. The burning sensation starts early, usually before I've even confirmed I'm pregnant. It gets steadily worse until I start bleeding. I've suspected gluten, I've suspected dairy and have controlled for those variables. My doctor believes it is inflammation and the odd and ever present white blood cells I have in my uterus.

For the last two days, I've been having that burning sensation.

Now. Something else is at play here: I think I may have a UTI. I'll spare you the symptoms, but I have also noticed that this burning sensation in my pelvis always coincides with my having just peed after having held my pee for an extended period of time - middle of the night, or a long shopping trip.

I suppose it's possible that the burning is linked to a UTI (which I will get checked out for if the cranberry supplements I'm taking and the acupuncture I'm going to request tomorrow don't help), but I just don't believe it.

I think this cycle will end like all the others: I'll get a positive test. I'll make it into week five - maybe even week 6! - and then lose it. Like all the others.

And I'm so done. Not done with wanting another baby or stopping the quest to get another baby, but done with the whole TTC thing. I don't think I can take another two weeks of anxiety, of analyzing every little last twinge. Of swinging from hope to despair.

Truthfully I was done after the last miscarriage last fall. We started tentatively discussing surrogacy/adoption/IVF, etc and then I had my last appointment with the RE who convinced me to give the current plan a try. I like plans, so I agreed.

Now the plan was to try 6 times with drugs, and if we didn't succeed, then take on the insurance company for IVF, which probably holds very good chances of success for us due to the (suspected) reason I miscarry.

I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can go through this 5 more times. My insurance requires 3 IUIs before paying for IVF, and IUIs would just be 3 really expensive miscarriages, so the plan was to call the insurance company after 6 tries with drugs and see if they would agree to skip the 3 IUIs. We can always pay for IVF out of pocket - at $6,000 it's still cheaper than adoption or surrogacy, but I'm really freaking DONE.

I want to move straight to adoption/surrogacy, even if it's more expensive. My husband has agreed that we can discuss this, BUT only after this cycle resolves itself. He is still hopeful this will work, you see. I laugh at his optimism and thumb my nose at his hope. As far as I'm concerned, it's over or it will be in just over a week from now.

I just want a baby. I don't really give a rat's ass about how the baby gets here.

To POAS or Not to POAS

If I had not been taking Femara and had ovulated in a normal fashion this cycle, my period would have been due today. I ovulated late, however, which means my period wouldn't be due yet? It would be due Saturday or Sunday? Not sure. And therefore, I have no idea if I'm technically "late" yet and if I should test.

There is another thing at play here. For some really odd reason, in each of the 8 losses, my hormone levels fluctuated so wildly, that I could get a positive, negative, positive and then start bleeding. A couple of times I started bleeding before my period was even due, but I'd had such strong symptoms I tested as I was bleeding (or had a blood test done) and got a positive on the way out.

So I'm really afraid of a negative. The only early and consistent positive test I've ever had was my son's. The others have all been wacky, which, considering how they turned out, makes some amount of sense.

This is leading me to freak out about when/if I should test. I don't want to do it Saturday. I have acupuncture and I don't want to have to be all sad and weepy if its negative. Plus we have a skating party to go to, and if its positive, I'll be nervous about falling, and if its negative, I'll be sad.

I don't want to test Sunday either, because my husband will be gone all day, and if it's negative, I'll be sad AND lonely. No go.

I can't possibly test Monday because we have a playdate at a friend's house where there is a new baby. A new baby I cannot wait to get my hands on, but if I get a negative Monday morning, holding him may send me over the edge.

So it looks like Tuesday will be the day I test if I don't start bleeding before then.

Jenga

I was given a Nightmare Before Christmas Jenga set for Christmas this year. I love all things Nightmare Before Christmas, so it's been sitting out in our kitchen since I brought it home. This means my 3 yo is constantly seeing it and asking to play.

And play we do. He's actually pretty good for 3, but he's also 3, so in the course of a game there is a lot of wiggling, banging, climbing on the table, moving his excavator too close to the leaning tower of blocks. And this makes me incredibly anxious, knowing that the whole tower will come down soon. And the higher it goes, the more anxious I become.

After last night's game, I realized that this journey with RPL and secondary infertility is a lot like playing a game of Jenga with a mentally unstable partner.

You carefully construct your set of blocks. You lay each block perfectly, nudging everything into place. You take blocks evenly from each side, thinking about your every move. But then, your mentally unstable partner comes along and shakes the table. Or yanks out the one block at the bottom holding everything up, and your tower falls.

You're sad. Disappointed. So you build again, only this time you're anxious: what will happen? Will you get the tower even built this time before he knocks it down?

And down the tower comes. Sometimes just as I'm starting to think that this time, no, this time, I've got a handle on things and we are going to build a tower of greatness.

Now I realize that for other women, they may not even get to build a tower. Their blocks may be missing, or damaged. And I try to tell myself, at least I get to build my tower again and again. Even if it gets knocked down by circumstances well out of my control.

And through my anxiety, all I can do is hope.

Cycle Day 22 - Swinging Like a Pendulum

I had some cramping and spotting right in the window I usually do for implantation. If this was a cycle without drugs, and I was feeling the way I am today (tired, sore boobs, peeing every 15 minutes, etc) I would assume I was pregnant. But because some of this started from day one of the progesterone, I'm not fully convinced. Let's say I'm 80/20 for.

I am also currently swinging wildly between hope and despair.

Hope: This cycle is going to be the one! It's the progesterone! I know it! We'll get a take home baby for sure!

Despair: I always implant too early. I didn't start the progesterone early enough to counteract that entirely. I'm not crampy enough/sore boobed enough/whatever enough - this will fail like all the others.

This occurs approximately every 15 minutes. Usually when I get up to pee.

I find myself wanting desperately to get off the crazy train and adopt. Specifically I want to adopt a special needs child from a country where they are institutionalized, and bring them home where I can love on them forever. Unfortunately, my husband will not agree with me. He won't even let me adopt another cat, the bastard, let alone a child. Asshole.

Tomorrow is our anniversary and miracle of miracles we have a sitter. We get out together sans child about once a years, so this is a momentous occasion. And just to fuck with my head is the question of whether or not I actually am pregnant:

To drink or not to drink - that is the question. I kind of feel justified in a drink just now, but have a feeling that depending on which way the pendulum swings, despair might drive me to make that a drink or six and that's just not good for anyone.

Can you tell which way the pendulum just went while I typed this? I may not survive my own head to find out the answers to these very pressing questions: Am I pregnant? And if so, will I lose it like the others?