I am not a superstitious person for the most part. I tend to believe in The Universe, and that certain things happen for a reason, while other things are totally in our control.
That said, I've had a little bit of superstition regarding this whole pregnancy loss journey I've been on. Early on, after I realized that this was more than just a couple of random losses, I bought a charm. It was an orange "Skittle". A resin skittle a little larger than the real thing that I wore on a chain around my neck.
I never took it off. I wore it to bed, the gym, in the shower. My son loved to play with it, running it back and forth along its chain.
The chain broke and I lost the charm last night.
Now, I'm sure it's not totally lost; we have a 10 month old kitten who I'm sure batted it off someplace while I was sleeping (she was a little extra active this morning while I was trying to get some more sleep). But the fact that it came off...
The fact that it came off, just when we're starting to explore adoption, etc, kind of felt like a kick from the universe.
I've been feeling for a long time now, that maybe I'm just not supposed to get pregnant. That my path to a child really must lay in some other way - that my next child will be "different" (adopted, maybe?).
So maybe it broke for a reason?
Or maybe this is just a long string of crappy coincidences and the chain broke because my kid played with it too much.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Moving On
Chemical pregnancy on the last try.
I totally knew something was up with this last cycle. I went from super strong symptoms, to less strong symptoms, to no symptoms. I also went from a super faint positive line to a negative, so I was not too shocked.
That said, we are done trying this way. Or rather, I am done trying this way.
It seems my loving husband, as he put it, put all his eggs in the basket that just trying naturally would eventually work. So he's been giving me a lot of lip service since last summer when I asked him if we could explore other options. Apparently, he didn't think it would be necessary, and never gave it the brain space.
So.
We are not giving up entirely. By this summer we will be moving on to something else - more reproductive medicine, adoption, surrogacy, SOMETHING.
My personal desire is to move to adoption. I don't think I ever want to pee on another stick, take hormonal medicine or endure another test. Not to mention the fact that there is no guarantee that IVF or even surrogacy would work, because we have no idea what's wrong.
IVF is by far the cheapest option ($2,400 if we can get insurance on board, $6,000 if we cannot) but I really DO NOT WANT to do it. I've agreed that I will talk to the RE, however, if my husband decides he feels strongly about it. I'm just convinced it will be a very expensive loss.
If we do move on to adoption, it will be of the international variety. Yes, I know that is much more expensive, but we have a tiny issue in my husband's age. While I am 35, he turns 50 next week. We will therefore be technically ineligible for many kinds of adoption by the end of next week. Going international means that I can adopt as a single person, and he can adopt the child at a later date. Tricky, but we know of two other couples in the same boat that have done it.
Yes, I also realize that we are still eligible to adopt an older child, but I feel strongly that the best fit for our family will be a child younger than our son. Many agencies we've looked at feel the same way, actually, so we would be looking for a child younger than 3 (or 4 depending on when we get started) and by my husband's age, we are ineligible for a child that young.
We're now in what I'm calling the interim period. While my husband thinks about what he feels strongly about doing next, and we have many, many discussions, I'm using this period to work on some other stuff.
I'm trying to work on our relationship - 8 losses in two years takes a big toll.
I'm trying to be a better parent to the child I already have, rather than focusing solely on the future.
I'm working on my freelance career and some art projects that I've put off because trying was taking all my time and energy.
The goal is to have reached a decision about what we are doing next by April or May, so that we can make appointments, look at finances etc, by June. I figure we're in for the long haul no matter which way we choose, so I want to get going.
Strangely, I am so freaking happy to be done with the trying portion of the game that I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know my child is out there - maybe not even born yet, but out there - and we will get there eventually, but it won't be this way. And somehow, after everything we've gone through, this is very comforting.
I totally knew something was up with this last cycle. I went from super strong symptoms, to less strong symptoms, to no symptoms. I also went from a super faint positive line to a negative, so I was not too shocked.
That said, we are done trying this way. Or rather, I am done trying this way.
It seems my loving husband, as he put it, put all his eggs in the basket that just trying naturally would eventually work. So he's been giving me a lot of lip service since last summer when I asked him if we could explore other options. Apparently, he didn't think it would be necessary, and never gave it the brain space.
So.
We are not giving up entirely. By this summer we will be moving on to something else - more reproductive medicine, adoption, surrogacy, SOMETHING.
My personal desire is to move to adoption. I don't think I ever want to pee on another stick, take hormonal medicine or endure another test. Not to mention the fact that there is no guarantee that IVF or even surrogacy would work, because we have no idea what's wrong.
IVF is by far the cheapest option ($2,400 if we can get insurance on board, $6,000 if we cannot) but I really DO NOT WANT to do it. I've agreed that I will talk to the RE, however, if my husband decides he feels strongly about it. I'm just convinced it will be a very expensive loss.
If we do move on to adoption, it will be of the international variety. Yes, I know that is much more expensive, but we have a tiny issue in my husband's age. While I am 35, he turns 50 next week. We will therefore be technically ineligible for many kinds of adoption by the end of next week. Going international means that I can adopt as a single person, and he can adopt the child at a later date. Tricky, but we know of two other couples in the same boat that have done it.
Yes, I also realize that we are still eligible to adopt an older child, but I feel strongly that the best fit for our family will be a child younger than our son. Many agencies we've looked at feel the same way, actually, so we would be looking for a child younger than 3 (or 4 depending on when we get started) and by my husband's age, we are ineligible for a child that young.
We're now in what I'm calling the interim period. While my husband thinks about what he feels strongly about doing next, and we have many, many discussions, I'm using this period to work on some other stuff.
I'm trying to work on our relationship - 8 losses in two years takes a big toll.
I'm trying to be a better parent to the child I already have, rather than focusing solely on the future.
I'm working on my freelance career and some art projects that I've put off because trying was taking all my time and energy.
The goal is to have reached a decision about what we are doing next by April or May, so that we can make appointments, look at finances etc, by June. I figure we're in for the long haul no matter which way we choose, so I want to get going.
Strangely, I am so freaking happy to be done with the trying portion of the game that I feel like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know my child is out there - maybe not even born yet, but out there - and we will get there eventually, but it won't be this way. And somehow, after everything we've gone through, this is very comforting.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Ugly Tears
My husband and I had a huge fight this morning basically about whether we should try this month or take the month off. This all stems from the fact that I'm viewing sex as something of a chore right now. You know, mop the floors, do the dishes, have some baby-makin' sex. He apparently feels we should be having sex because it's fun. Fun. Huh. I think I've forgotten what that aspect of sex is like.
What really surprised me was my reaction. I honestly had considered taking this month off anyway, so when he told me he wanted to shelve it I surprised both of us by bursting into tears. Ugly, shoulder shaking, gut wrenching tears. The kind where your face sort of folds in on itself and you know you look like hell without even having to see a mirror.
The idea of taking even one month off was giving me the equivalent of a panic attack. I suddenly couldn't STAND the thought of not trying. Odd because I'm also really, really ready to move on. Not from trying for another child, but from this specific type of trying for another child. I don't want anymore breath-held terror, worrying about another loss. I don't want to feel pregnant - even if its just the progesterone fucking with me. I want to move on to whatever we decide will be the next step - IVF, adoption, surrogacy - whatever.
So apparently hope really is the last thing to die, because there must be a very small (and yet very vocal) part of me that isn't ready to give up quite yet.
What really surprised me was my reaction. I honestly had considered taking this month off anyway, so when he told me he wanted to shelve it I surprised both of us by bursting into tears. Ugly, shoulder shaking, gut wrenching tears. The kind where your face sort of folds in on itself and you know you look like hell without even having to see a mirror.
The idea of taking even one month off was giving me the equivalent of a panic attack. I suddenly couldn't STAND the thought of not trying. Odd because I'm also really, really ready to move on. Not from trying for another child, but from this specific type of trying for another child. I don't want anymore breath-held terror, worrying about another loss. I don't want to feel pregnant - even if its just the progesterone fucking with me. I want to move on to whatever we decide will be the next step - IVF, adoption, surrogacy - whatever.
So apparently hope really is the last thing to die, because there must be a very small (and yet very vocal) part of me that isn't ready to give up quite yet.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Early Morning
It's 5am. The toddler is screeching from across the hall. I stumble out of bed, attend to him and go back to sleep.
It's 6am. The toddler is screeching from across the hall. I stumble out of bed, attend to him and try to get back to sleep.
Husband: What is this all about?
Me: He wanted his blanket spread out better.
Husband: Are you serious?
Me: This is why I need to have a second child. If I don't have another kid to spread my attention to, he's going to be a 40 year old man who still lives with his Mama.
Husband: Are you sure you won't be fanning and peeling grapes for two kids?
Me: What? No; everyone knows the second kid totally gets the shaft. Besides, I'll have half as much time for this bullshit.
Husband: You don't have enough time for this bullshit now.
Me: Ah, but I do. Besides, he's my only. I have to do it.
Husband: Uh-huh.
Me: 40 year old man who lives with his Mama. Promise me we'll have another.
Husband: Do I have a choice?
Me: Promise!
Husband: If it is in my power to do so, yes we will have another.
Me: Fine. Thank you.
Toddler: MaaaaaaaMaaaaaaa....
Me: Here we go again.
It's 6am. The toddler is screeching from across the hall. I stumble out of bed, attend to him and try to get back to sleep.
Husband: What is this all about?
Me: He wanted his blanket spread out better.
Husband: Are you serious?
Me: This is why I need to have a second child. If I don't have another kid to spread my attention to, he's going to be a 40 year old man who still lives with his Mama.
Husband: Are you sure you won't be fanning and peeling grapes for two kids?
Me: What? No; everyone knows the second kid totally gets the shaft. Besides, I'll have half as much time for this bullshit.
Husband: You don't have enough time for this bullshit now.
Me: Ah, but I do. Besides, he's my only. I have to do it.
Husband: Uh-huh.
Me: 40 year old man who lives with his Mama. Promise me we'll have another.
Husband: Do I have a choice?
Me: Promise!
Husband: If it is in my power to do so, yes we will have another.
Me: Fine. Thank you.
Toddler: MaaaaaaaMaaaaaaa....
Me: Here we go again.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Period from Hell
Back before I got pregnant with my son I used to have severe, super painful periods. Like, ended up in the ER a few times because of the pain, super bad. Even the months when I handled it at home were filled with vomiting and writhing in pain, with no pain killers working at all.
That's how this cycle is starting. Day 2 and I think I am going to die.
I'm not sure if it was the progesterone or what but I'm having incredibly painful cramps that nothing is touching. They're also radiating up my right side all the way to my ribcage, which is a little disconcerting. My doctor has long suspected I have some endo on that side (first no health insurance, then getting pregnant took away the pain so well I never bothered with surgery to find out for sure) and this was the worst it's ever been.
I got up this morning so dizzy from pain and blood loss I walked into a wall twice. I'm actually now really, really nervous about trying again this cycle with more progesterone. Could that have done this? Is this a one-time event, which will go away next month if I don't use the progesterone again? Or am I doomed from here on out until I get pregnant again or have surgery of some kind?
I'm also nervous about what two more tries with this stuff will do if we don't get pregnant on it.
There has got to be a better way than this.
That's how this cycle is starting. Day 2 and I think I am going to die.
I'm not sure if it was the progesterone or what but I'm having incredibly painful cramps that nothing is touching. They're also radiating up my right side all the way to my ribcage, which is a little disconcerting. My doctor has long suspected I have some endo on that side (first no health insurance, then getting pregnant took away the pain so well I never bothered with surgery to find out for sure) and this was the worst it's ever been.
I got up this morning so dizzy from pain and blood loss I walked into a wall twice. I'm actually now really, really nervous about trying again this cycle with more progesterone. Could that have done this? Is this a one-time event, which will go away next month if I don't use the progesterone again? Or am I doomed from here on out until I get pregnant again or have surgery of some kind?
I'm also nervous about what two more tries with this stuff will do if we don't get pregnant on it.
There has got to be a better way than this.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Negative - Relief
I know I wasn't planning on testing until Tuesday, but last night after I inserted the progesterone gel, I got the most insane burning cramps. They lasted for an hour and were horrible. Then this morning after acupuncture, I noticed some spotting. Since my period would be due today or tomorrow I decided to test.
It was negative, and all I'm feeling right now is relief.
For a long time, every time we tried to get pregnant we did. In fact, on three different occasions, while we were taking pains to prevent pregnancy, I got pregnant. My RE told me I got pregnant too frequently and that they were probably all bad quality embryos, which was causing the miscarriages.
So in my head, I was thinking this cycle could go one of two ways: pregnant and live baby or pregnant and dead baby. I honestly wasn't thinking that we could try and NOT get pregnant. That, in fact, would be a GOOD thing because it would mean that whatever was causing the inflammation that was making all the crappy embryos stick is gone.
So to get signs that my period is starting coupled with a negative test is HUGE.
We talked about it and decided that if this had been another loss, we would have stopped - 9 is enough. Because this was nothing, however, we will try again this cycle. I have two more refills of prescriptions before I need a new referral and to see the RE again. If nothing happens during the next two cycles, or I have another loss, we will turn our attention to adoption or surrogacy.
A negative test = relief. Who knew?
It was negative, and all I'm feeling right now is relief.
For a long time, every time we tried to get pregnant we did. In fact, on three different occasions, while we were taking pains to prevent pregnancy, I got pregnant. My RE told me I got pregnant too frequently and that they were probably all bad quality embryos, which was causing the miscarriages.
So in my head, I was thinking this cycle could go one of two ways: pregnant and live baby or pregnant and dead baby. I honestly wasn't thinking that we could try and NOT get pregnant. That, in fact, would be a GOOD thing because it would mean that whatever was causing the inflammation that was making all the crappy embryos stick is gone.
So to get signs that my period is starting coupled with a negative test is HUGE.
We talked about it and decided that if this had been another loss, we would have stopped - 9 is enough. Because this was nothing, however, we will try again this cycle. I have two more refills of prescriptions before I need a new referral and to see the RE again. If nothing happens during the next two cycles, or I have another loss, we will turn our attention to adoption or surrogacy.
A negative test = relief. Who knew?
Friday, January 18, 2013
Over It
For a long time a couple of years ago I had a burning pain in my lower abdomen and pelvic region. It was nearly constant and drove me completely batty. Over the last two years I've figured out that I tend to experience this pain when one of three things happens:
I eat gluten. I have celiac, and when I eat gluten I get the burning pain, although it is mostly confined to my digestive track.
When I eat dairy. My doctor and I both suspect (and suspect will be all we do unless it gets much worse again someday) that I have some endo on at least my right side. Before I stopped eating dairy I had the burning pain all the time and crippling pain during my period that turned to the burning pain if I indulged in some cheese. Cutting out dairy from my diet entirely eliminated 95 percent of the pain.
Miscarry. The burning sensation starts early, usually before I've even confirmed I'm pregnant. It gets steadily worse until I start bleeding. I've suspected gluten, I've suspected dairy and have controlled for those variables. My doctor believes it is inflammation and the odd and ever present white blood cells I have in my uterus.
For the last two days, I've been having that burning sensation.
Now. Something else is at play here: I think I may have a UTI. I'll spare you the symptoms, but I have also noticed that this burning sensation in my pelvis always coincides with my having just peed after having held my pee for an extended period of time - middle of the night, or a long shopping trip.
I suppose it's possible that the burning is linked to a UTI (which I will get checked out for if the cranberry supplements I'm taking and the acupuncture I'm going to request tomorrow don't help), but I just don't believe it.
I think this cycle will end like all the others: I'll get a positive test. I'll make it into week five - maybe even week 6! - and then lose it. Like all the others.
And I'm so done. Not done with wanting another baby or stopping the quest to get another baby, but done with the whole TTC thing. I don't think I can take another two weeks of anxiety, of analyzing every little last twinge. Of swinging from hope to despair.
Truthfully I was done after the last miscarriage last fall. We started tentatively discussing surrogacy/adoption/IVF, etc and then I had my last appointment with the RE who convinced me to give the current plan a try. I like plans, so I agreed.
Now the plan was to try 6 times with drugs, and if we didn't succeed, then take on the insurance company for IVF, which probably holds very good chances of success for us due to the (suspected) reason I miscarry.
I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can go through this 5 more times. My insurance requires 3 IUIs before paying for IVF, and IUIs would just be 3 really expensive miscarriages, so the plan was to call the insurance company after 6 tries with drugs and see if they would agree to skip the 3 IUIs. We can always pay for IVF out of pocket - at $6,000 it's still cheaper than adoption or surrogacy, but I'm really freaking DONE.
I want to move straight to adoption/surrogacy, even if it's more expensive. My husband has agreed that we can discuss this, BUT only after this cycle resolves itself. He is still hopeful this will work, you see. I laugh at his optimism and thumb my nose at his hope. As far as I'm concerned, it's over or it will be in just over a week from now.
I just want a baby. I don't really give a rat's ass about how the baby gets here.
I eat gluten. I have celiac, and when I eat gluten I get the burning pain, although it is mostly confined to my digestive track.
When I eat dairy. My doctor and I both suspect (and suspect will be all we do unless it gets much worse again someday) that I have some endo on at least my right side. Before I stopped eating dairy I had the burning pain all the time and crippling pain during my period that turned to the burning pain if I indulged in some cheese. Cutting out dairy from my diet entirely eliminated 95 percent of the pain.
Miscarry. The burning sensation starts early, usually before I've even confirmed I'm pregnant. It gets steadily worse until I start bleeding. I've suspected gluten, I've suspected dairy and have controlled for those variables. My doctor believes it is inflammation and the odd and ever present white blood cells I have in my uterus.
For the last two days, I've been having that burning sensation.
Now. Something else is at play here: I think I may have a UTI. I'll spare you the symptoms, but I have also noticed that this burning sensation in my pelvis always coincides with my having just peed after having held my pee for an extended period of time - middle of the night, or a long shopping trip.
I suppose it's possible that the burning is linked to a UTI (which I will get checked out for if the cranberry supplements I'm taking and the acupuncture I'm going to request tomorrow don't help), but I just don't believe it.
I think this cycle will end like all the others: I'll get a positive test. I'll make it into week five - maybe even week 6! - and then lose it. Like all the others.
And I'm so done. Not done with wanting another baby or stopping the quest to get another baby, but done with the whole TTC thing. I don't think I can take another two weeks of anxiety, of analyzing every little last twinge. Of swinging from hope to despair.
Truthfully I was done after the last miscarriage last fall. We started tentatively discussing surrogacy/adoption/IVF, etc and then I had my last appointment with the RE who convinced me to give the current plan a try. I like plans, so I agreed.
Now the plan was to try 6 times with drugs, and if we didn't succeed, then take on the insurance company for IVF, which probably holds very good chances of success for us due to the (suspected) reason I miscarry.
I don't think I can do it. I don't think I can go through this 5 more times. My insurance requires 3 IUIs before paying for IVF, and IUIs would just be 3 really expensive miscarriages, so the plan was to call the insurance company after 6 tries with drugs and see if they would agree to skip the 3 IUIs. We can always pay for IVF out of pocket - at $6,000 it's still cheaper than adoption or surrogacy, but I'm really freaking DONE.
I want to move straight to adoption/surrogacy, even if it's more expensive. My husband has agreed that we can discuss this, BUT only after this cycle resolves itself. He is still hopeful this will work, you see. I laugh at his optimism and thumb my nose at his hope. As far as I'm concerned, it's over or it will be in just over a week from now.
I just want a baby. I don't really give a rat's ass about how the baby gets here.
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